Sometimes I Cry.....

I was sitting on my bed tonight watching a show with my husband like I do every Sunday.  It had been a long day.  It was a really good day, but long and I was glad to be relaxing.  During the show I got hungry (something that happens to me about every 2 hours).  I decided to get up and make some Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.  I knew it was fast simple and would go down easily.  My husband paused the show while I went and made my snack (I can't believe we can now pause TV).  I came back and ate a little bit while watching some more of our show.  About 10 minutes into eating the pasta I knew something wasn't right.  My stomach started to hurt and so I loosened up my clothes, drank and little sip of soda, and did everything I know to do to make me feel better.  Well, it just wasn't helping.  Our show was an hour long, and during the remaining 30 minutes I felt myself get more and more nauseated.  Because of the surgery I just had I wasn't in severe pain and I was very grateful for that, but I was sick.  I knew my food had gotten stuck.

After the show finished, I was doing everything I could to try to get this food to go down.  I started to watch the Oscars to take my mind off things, but unfortunately it didn't help.  I went for the anti nausea pill hoping that maybe I was just a little nauseated and the food wasn't really stuck.  I just didn't want to have to deal with throwing up tonight.  I just wanted a break.

About 30 minutes into the Oscars, and after a few awards had been handed out the nausea hit me so hard I jumped up from my bed and ran to the bathroom.  I vomited harder and more violently then I had in awhile, and I just lost it.  I sat on the ground and just started to cry.  My sweet husband came in and rubbed my back and helped me up off the floor.  He walked me into our bedroom and gave me a hug, and I just couldn't stop crying.  I'm just sick of being sick. 

I struggle with this so much because I am so thankful for my life, and I'm so blessed with all that I have, but it's times like this that just really suck.  These are moments when I'm worn out, exhausted, and sick of throwing up, hurting, being nauseated, and having to worry about every single thing I put in my mouth.  

I'm not saying that I don't have a great life because I do.  So please don't feel like I'm saying poor me and how my life is so terrible because that's not it at all.  It's just that some days I would like to eat a meal and have it go down without any problems.  I would like to go 1 entire day, just 24 hours, without vomiting.  I would like to go even 12 hours without being nauseated.  I would just like 1 day back where I'm not sick, and I could live my life like I did the 1st month I was married to my husband.  I would like to give my husband a day where his heart doesn't have to break because I'm bent over the toilet holding my stomach and hurting, and there's not one thing he can do about it. 

As I'm writing this right now tears are streaming down my face.  Sometimes I cry.  Sometimes I still have bad days.  Sometimes I still get on my knees and ask God why I have to go through this.  Sometimes I just hug my husband and and weep because I'm sick of this.  I'm sick of bad days.  I'm sick of being nauseated.  I'm sick of having to worry if the pants I'm trying on are too tight to wear out because if they push too hard on my stomach I will be sick all day.  I'm sick of having to come home from dates with my husband because I'm too sick to finish our date.  I'm sick of going to a restaurant and having to get up in the middle of my meal to go and throw up in the bathroom.  Yes, there are times when I feel like giving up and screaming "I'm sick of being sick!"

And then I have my amazing, incredible, and loving, husband walk back into the room, see that I'm crying why I write my blog and come and hug me and say, "Jilly this is part of the adventure.  You've made it 3  years in and you're alive.  I love you, I'll always love you, and I'll always be here for you."  And it puts things into perspective and makes me realize that it's true.  I know this is my life and it's always going to be this way, but the plain and simple fact is that sometimes I cry.

5:53 am Thursday

Well I'm awake right now because I went to bed at about 8pm last night.  I was really struggling with some panic attacks and depression.  This lovely Bipolar disease I have can sure take the wind out of my sails at times.  I know some of you are thinking, What in the world does she have to be depressed about?  She just had her photo shoot for Utah Valley Magazine, she's a stay at home wife, and so on.  The truth is, depression doesn't care who you are. That's the nature of the beast.  I have learned though, and I know my bipolar well enough to know that it will only be around for a day or 2, so even though I felt like I was going to die due to lack of air getting into my lungs when I had a full on panic attack at the pharmacy I made it.  I came home, got some medicine, laid in my bed, took a bath and cried through the whole thing, got out and went to bed.  I know that I'm going to have days like this.  It doesn't mean that I like them.  If I had it my way I would be happy go lucky Jill all the time, but about once a month I get a couple of days of depression, panic and it sucks, but it is what it is.  We all have our things, and this is one of mine.

Kenneth Linge

FAB 50 Utah Valley Magazine 2009

I did have a really cool day this week though that had absolutely nothing to do with Bipolar, and everything to do with this blog.  The Utah Valley Magazine is doing a series called the FAB 50, and I got nominated!  I was so excited and flattered, so first let me thank all of you who nominated me for the job.  I have amazing friends and great readers!  2nd I found out who the photographer was and I about died.  I have been a fan of Kenneth Linge for over 10 years.  I have wanted to meet him, and have my pictures taken by him more than anyone will ever understand.  He is truly amazing in my eyes, and I think he is able to capture the soul of someone through his photography.

On Monday I got to meet him, talk with him for over an hour, learn about him, and then be photographed by him.  Before I left he asked for my number and said he would love to photograph me again.  I was so excited.  I can't tell you what an amazing man he is.  Although at times his thick Norwegian accent was difficult to understand his soul was easy to read, and his eyes were warm, welcoming, and soft.  He truly was an incredible man, and I feel blessed to have had the experience to spend some time with that great man.

I look back over my life at times and the experiences I have had, and the people I have had the opportunity to meet, and I feel so blessed.  I know people are put in my life for reasons whether it be for me or for them, either way I feel so lucky to have crossed paths with them.  I have learned something from every person I have met.  And whether it has been a one time meeting or they are now one of my best friends I am thankful that at one time or another they have impacted my life for the good.  Life really is a journey and I'm grateful that I have a 2nd chance to live it.

I hope all of you are having a great day and got a chance to tell someone that you love an extra "I Love You" or "I'm thankful you're here" on Valentine's Day even though we need to be doing more of that everyday.

Thanks for all your prayers while I was in the hospital this last few weeks getting surgery.  I want you all to know that I'm doing great and feeling better!  I'm slowly getting back to being "Jilly" again, and I know it's because of great friends like all of you.  Have a great weekend my friends!

Love,

Jilly

Surgery 2012, and Utah Valley Mag

It's been kind of a crazy new year in the Strasburg home.  Dave and I have spent many nights in and our of the ER lately with no conclusions about what was going on with me.  All we knew is that I was struggling with keeping food down, and I was in a lot of pain.

Finally this past week our prayers were answered.  Our amazing doctor who has saved my life 100 times over now, admitted me to the Hospital in Salt Lake City to have tests ran on me and get some answers.  When they tests came back and they saw a few different things happening, Dr. McKinlay asked me if he could operate.  I trust this doctor with my life, and if he think this is the best form of action I am going to say yes.

On Friday evening I kissed my husband goodbye and went in for surgery.  They saw that my liver had attached itself to my small bowel again, which they had to disconnect, and my body had built up such a huge amount of scar tissue that my food was getting stuck when I would swallow.  He also found the reason for the pain.  Because they scar tissue was so great it had covered my entire small bowel, and not only did it cause pain, it was causing my food to push back up to my mouth instead out through my colon. 

With the help of one of his fellow doctor's they were able to go in and clean me up and make me feel a lot better.  I just wanted you all to know this because I didn't want you to feel like I was abandoning you.  It's just been a busy couple of months.  I'm doing really well now though.  I'm on a soft liquid diet and the food is staying down great!

I wanted to say thank you to all of my amazing friends in real life, on FB, and on this blog.  You make my life worth living, and I love getting to share the friendship that I have with each one of you.  I got a really great call the other day and Utah Valley Magazine is putting an article about me in their magazine.  I can't tell the details yet, but thank you so much to whomever nominated me.  I am truly touched, and can't wait to go through this process.  Meeting new people makes my heart happy and gives me purpose, so thank you for giving me this chance to share a bit of my life with people I have never met.  When it comes out I will let you all know so you can go and grab a copy.

I just wanted you all to know how thankful I am to you, my friends, for the love and support you give to my husband and me.  We have the most amazing people in our lives and we feel so blessed to have you,.

We hope you hall have a wonderful week and I'll talk to you soon with all the photo shoots, interviews, and other fun stuff coming up over the next month! Love you all!
Jilly

Christmas Day 2011

Merry Christmas from our UTE tree!

My beautiful Grandma Margaret (my Dad's Mom)

I feel so blessed this Christmas to be here to celebrate the birth of my Savior.

My husband and I had the opportunity to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with my Mom and Dad this year.  We had such a great time.  Just being there and sharing in their warmth and love was a perfect way to start the day.  I'm so very thankful for a family that loves me.  My parents were the 2 people who taught me that Christmas isn't about the presents, but about the people you are with, and they make sure to love the person they are with so well.

Papa Kirk opening his gift

It was a very relaxing evening.  We ate dinner, wrapped gifts, I took a nap, we played games, and just enjoyed the company.  It was wonderful to spend that special time with them and my husband.  We only have 1 more Christmas in Utah before we move away for Medical, so I am really treasuring this year.

Momma Cay opening her "Baby's are the best present" ornament

These past 2 weeks have been really tough.  I haven't been able to eat and have been in and out of the hospital, and so to be able to forget about all the struggle and all the pain I am going through for this night was fabulous.  I have the greatest family in the world, and I couldn't be more blessed.

the Abelskiver maker

After having our tradition ableskiver breakfast with my family, Dave and I got in the car and headed to his parents to celebrate with them.  It was a lot busier over there.  We went from 4 adults to 6 sisters, 2 brother in laws, and 2 nehphews.  Quite a change,  but SO MUCH fun.

I had been planning my in laws gifts for months now (homemade gift baskets of a few of their favorite things) and it was so much fun to see their faces when I handed their baskets to them.  I think homemade gifts are the best.  We then opened the family gift which was the xbox kinect, and we've been dancing our little fannies off all afternoon.  It's been a blast.  After that Dave and I do what we do every year, we had our Christmas.

Dave's Sturhling watch

Dave and I like to celebrate with both families, and then come home to our home, with just the 2 of us and have our Christmas.  We had so much fun!  Dave has gotten me stuff that I had mentioned throughout the year and I had no idea what he was getting me, but he did above and beyond perfect and it was so fun!  I got him a gift that he would never have expected in a million years.  He has wanted it forever, but would never take the money to buy it for himself, so this entire year I have saved up and I was able to get the 2 top things on his list of things he wanted when I had money, a custom made wedding ring, and a really nice Swiss made watch.  He got them both today, and he loved them.

To me personally, I would rather give then receive.  Giving gifts is so much fun for me.  I love to give a little bit of my heart with each gift that I give.  I made each one of Dave's 7 sisters a pair of earrings for Christmas this year, because it's something that I can do to show them that I love them.

Me enjoying my rainbow colored Happy Place

This Christmas was perfect.  I wouldn't change one thing about it (well I would change it so I could eat, but just that).  I hope you all had a Merry Christmas as well!  Have a wonderful New Year!

Love,

Jilly Strasburg