Aug 27, 2014

Calm My Aching Heart

I've always thought of myself as a person that has a lot of Faith. I believe that when I pray, God listens.  I believe he inspires me to do certain things, reach out to other people, and be a good person.  I thought I believed that he could comfort my heart when it was hurting. I didn't realize until lately that I wasn't allowing him to do that.  I was crying inside because of the desire I have to be a mother, but when he would whisper to my heart and mind that all would work out, I didn't listen. I ignored it, and kept the bitter feelings in my heart.  That is until this past month when I finally allowed him to calm my aching heart.

Dave and I have been married for 5 1/2 years.  In that time we have faced some amazing trials.  Trials that those of you that read my blog know only too well.  We've gone through things that I hope the majority of people in this life never have to experience. We've been penniless, unable to afford anything because we were paying off medical debt. We've been without work, and both of us have been laid off. School was taking longer than expected because we didn't have loans available, I almost died within the first 3 months of getting married, Dave had to take a leap of faith with me and move to Salt Lake without a job and a place to live hoping that the Lord would provide for us, and through all of this; he has.  He has always provided for us, been with us every step, and made our marriage so strong that nothing could break it.  The tough times that we've had, and still have make us better people.  They make us a better couple.

Knowing all that we've been through, and realizing that the Lord has been with us from day 1, I couldn't figure out why I wouldn't let him heal my heart.  The emptiness that I felt because I'm unable to bear children has ripped me in 2.  It's crushed my soul, put me through huge bouts of depression, made me feel like I'm less of a woman, made me ask why in the hell he put me here, made me wonder if the dreams I've had of my baby girl were all just pretend. I mean did I just make up the same dream that Dave had??  I was questioning everything.  The only thing I wasn't doing was asking God to send me peace.  I was living my life being mad.  I was pouting, throwing a fit, and angry because I didn't get my way.  Then one day this summer I woke up.

You're probably asking yourself, "Is she pregnant?!" The answer is no.  I'm not pregnant.  That's the beauty though is that I don't need to be.  My heart is at peace.  I asked God to take this pain from me.  I couldn't bear it any longer.  I couldn't hold that hurt in my heart.  I had to learn to trust him all over again like I did when I had a 10% chance of living.  Like I did when I made the decision to marry Dave.  When I decided that I needed to have him be a part of my life again.  I had to learn to jump off the cliff without seeing what was below because he simply asked me to.  I had to have Faith that everything I feel and desire is real, and in time it will all work out.  In his time, not in mine.

As I've come to the realization that he is in control, I have finally allowed myself to have Faith once more.  I forgave myself for hating God, and I asked for his forgiveness. I told him I accept his will, and whatever happens will happen.  Until then I will love the life that I'm blessed to be living.  I will cherish every morning that I wake up to see Dave sleeping next to me.  I will love my family, enjoy times with my friends, and be thankful for the food and shelter I have.  I'll continue to pray and not turn my back on God like I have for so long.  I'm finally going to let him be in control, and do as he wants me to do.  What he wants me to do is be Happy, and have Faith that he knows the big picture.  He knows the ending, and I believe that my ending is going to be Fabulous!

Jun 30, 2014

In my Next 30 Years

I figured since it's the official last day of my birthday month that I better write about how my 30th went.  Those of you that follow me on instagram @jillybeanjewelry got to see the festivities and how amazing it was; for me that is.  It was the 2nd best Birthday of my life. I couldn't believe I am alive to see 30!

When I say it was my 2nd best Birthday, the first was when I turned 26.  For those of you that follow my blog you know that when I was 25 in 2009 I became deathly ill and almost died.  I truly didn't believe I would make it to 26.  I will never be able to put into words how amazing that morning was when I opened my eyes on my 26th Birthday, but 30 was very similar.

Dave and my parents planned a special Birthday party for me at my favorite resort in Las Vegas.  Those of you that have been to The Encore, know how absolutely beautiful it is.  All I wanted to do the entire week was sit at the pool and sip cold drinks.  I got my wish.  It was magical!  The weather was beautiful, the room was gorgeous, and the company was the best.  It was the most amazing Birthday.

On the morning of the 5th I woke up, and got ready to go spend the day by the pool.  As Dave and I headed down, I was greeted by the concierge with balloons and gift cards to the buffet for that night.  Then it was off to the pool.  Dave and I sat in the water and soaked up the sun.  We had such a lovely day.  I got my wish too!  Plenty of nice, cold, delicious drinks were served all day. 

When I decided I had sufficiently meant my sun quota for the day we went back to the room.  I opened the door and my entire room was decorated!  It was the best surprise ever!!  My Mom and Dad had covered it in Balloons, signs, and streamers!  I was floored.  I was in heaven and so excited!  I don't know about you, but I LOVE Birthday's!  To have my room all done was the icing on a so far perfect day!





After coming in from the pool, Dave made a gorgeous bath for me and I soaked for hours.  It was so nice.  Then I got all ready to go out that night!  I curled my hair, put on a gorgeous dress, and we hit the casinos! I ended up only winning $40, but we had so much fun!  Dinner was great, and spending time with the people I love the most was perfect.

As we got back to the room a little before my Birthday was over, I told Dave how much I loved this day.  I started to cry because I was so thankful to actually be alive to see 30.  For a long time I never thought I would hit 30 years old.  To be alive, and well on my 30th Birthday was the greatest gift ever. To be with the man of my dreams is a gift from God.  The entire week was magical.  I truly didn't want to get on the plane and come home.

When I got home the party didn't end though!  Dave's family had a Birthday party for me that was so much fun! I got to see all but 1 of the 7 sisters, and most of my nieces and nephews were there.  I got big hugs and kisses, some fun jewelry, and the best cards ever! Dave's family is amazing and I'm so lucky to have gained 7 beautiful sisters and a Mom and Dad that love me so much!  They are so good to me!

All in all it was an amazing month.  I feel so lucky to be here at 30 years old.  To be alive at this time in my life is a true gift from God.  I truly cherish every day and realize how lucky I am every morning when I open my eyes.  I still have my bad days, but I'm grateful for them too (just maybe not in the moment.)

In my next 30 years...I'll try to stop cussing like a sailor, be a bit more like my mom, I would love to become a mother in this life, be a better friend, do more service in my church and other areas, help my husband finish medical school, be a better wife, sister, daughter, and daughter in law, and above all be a better daughter of God.  I hope to still be having as much as I do now though!  One thing that won't change is the thing that makes Jill, "Jilly!"  It's what Dave calls me.."I'm Spicy!"  I hope I never lose that "Spice" for life!  Here's to the next 30 years!

May 31, 2014

Truly Touched

As I sat here tonight talking to my sweet husband, I got onto check my email. I normally do it every night before I go to bed to check for people asking me about my jewelry. When I logged on I saw an email from a name I didn't know. I expected it to be a question about a necklace. How very wrong I was.

I've really been struggling since Mother's Day, and been feeling really bitter.  I've been really mad at God recently, and have been praying for someone to talk to who would just understand. Not someone who has kids and tells me that "they get it" but someone that has been through it. Who has "fought the good fight".  Who knows what it's like to cry every month, and take multiple pregnancy tests in a year all to have them be negative.  Someone who understands that adopting isn't like picking out your favorite soda pop.  Just anyone who can relate to me, and kind of have some empathy.

I want you to know how amazing each of you are, and how touching all of your comments are.  Your love, kindness, and concern is so very special to me.  Please don't feel like I am not grateful for all your love.  That's not what I'm saying at all.  What I'm saying is that I needed a shoulder to cry on.  Someone who could put their arms around me (even through a computer screen) and say "I Get It! This sucks, and I'm sorry. I can't make it better, but I can lend an ear. I can lend an understanding, empathetic ear."  It's all I've been praying for.  Tonight I got that.

As I started reading this email from a woman I've never met, I was moved to tears. Her story touched my heart so much I can't express.  As I read each word to Dave, I had to stop multiple times to hold back tears.  I couldn't believe that someone who understands was taking the time to write me such a beautiful letter.  

As she started she said, "I don't know why I'm writing you, but I feel like I kind of understand you."  WOW! She just said she could relate to me.  Not only that, but as I read I realized that she truly could relate to me.  Her story was so much harder than the path I have walked.  It not only comforted my heart, but it humbled me. (How lame is that to say you're humble? Doesn't that defeat the purpose??)  

I realized tonight that I've been so ridiculous only focusing on myself. How selfish and self centered.  I've been stuck in my bubble, pushing everyone away because "no one knows how hard this is."  Instead of accepting love and kindness I've been turning my back on it.  When my Father in heaven has been sending me love, like I've been asking for; I basically told him that I didn't want it.  Well he threw it in my face tonight, as he has to do to me quite often.

My life is difficult for me.  I always tell people when I do my public speaking, that what you're going through is not as hard as what others go through. It's hard for you though, and that's what matters.  Well I realized tonight that learning that others have it a bit harder can bring you to your knees thanking God for what you go through.  It's true isn't it?  The old saying that if given the opportunity to take someone's trials other than your own, you'd gladly take yours every time.  I realized how true that was tonight.

As this beautiful woman told me about her trial of being single for a long period of her life, and then finally getting married and having to go through infertility trials to finally get her child, I was touched.  She gets me.  Then she explained how she understands how hard it is to not have a bunch of kids in my culture.  I started to cry.  She expressed how she also didn't go to church on Mother's Day.  Oh my goodness, I'm not alone.  Thank you God for your unconditional love.  How ungrateful I've been.  Thank you for this amazing woman who wrote me "not knowing why?"

The most beautiful thing about this email was her honesty, kindness, concern, tenderness, and love.  She's never met me, she has no idea who I am except through a computer screen, yet she sent me her love.  She didn't try to tell me what I should do, or how to get over what I was going through.  She simply said that she understands and that she's here for me if I need to talk.  I don't know how you ladies that read my blog are so unconditionally kind and loving to me, but I'm so thankful.  How blessed I am to have each of you in my life.  I couldn't ask to be any luckier.

Tonight as I write this sweet woman back, I hope she understands how much her email meant to me.  How much her empathy, kindness, and love touched my heart.  She has no idea, but she was an answer to my prayers.  Tonight God told me he loved me in the form of an email.  He sent me a hug through the computer.  He wrapped his arms around me through another woman.  How gracious, glorious, and loving is our Father in heaven. I'm so thankful that he continues to love me even with all my faults, the mistakes I make, the times I scream and yell at him, and all those little cuss words I say throughout the week (yes I have a mouth like a sailor.) 

Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! to each of you for your love and kindness, but especially thank you to the beautiful soul that felt the need to email me tonight. You truly brightened my day, my week, my month, and my year!

Apr 10, 2014

4th Annual "Live Day"

I woke up this morning with a very full heart. When I looked over and saw my husband asleep next to me, I silently thanked God for allowing me to witness that. Everyday for the past 4 years I have cherished every morning when I get to see his sleeping face next to mine. I'm so grateful for it because 4 years ago it was almost taken from me. Today is my 4th annual "Live Day."

4 years ago today I was given a 10% chance to live. I was not expected to make it longer than a month. I had been living for over a year with a picc line in me that gave me the basic nutrients I needed. My hair was falling out in clumps, and I hadn't swallowed anything for over a year. I had a nurse that came and administered my IV to me 3 times a week. I laid on a couch all day, and crawled to the bathroom when I needed to go. I was too weak to walk, and too nauseated to speak. Dave had to bathe me because I wasn't strong enough to do it myself. It was one of the toughest times of my life.

After 12 surgeries in one year, all without any results. An amazing doctor, Dr. McKinley, came into my room and said that I had 2 options. 1. To live until I died, which wouldn't be more than a month if I was lucky or 2. Give him a shot to do exploratory surgery to see if he could figure out why I couldn't eat. I was terrified.  He told me even with surgery, my chance of living through it was about 10% but without it I would die for sure. After praying with my husband, we knew we had to try to save my life. We decided to have the surgery.

On the morning of April 10, 2010 my family was all gathered at the hospital.  I kissed my husband goodbye, not knowing if I would ever see him again, and they wheeled me off into surgery. I was so weak I could barely speak. Dr. McKinlay came in and told me what would be happening, and I said a silent prayer asking God to spare my life. I asked him to just give me one more day with my husband.  All I wanted was one more day.

After 7 hours of surgery, Dr. McKinlay came out and told my family that I was alive and well.  He told Dave that he found 5 feet of my small bowel that had twisted, and died.  It had ulcers throughout the entire thing, and he didn't know how I had lived this long.  He said he removed the decayed bowel, and I was in recovery and doing well.

I will never forget the moment when I first saw Dave.  Tears came to my eyes, and I silently thanked God for answering my prayers.  I was expected to be in the hospital for 3 weeks, and 3 days later I walked by myself, for the first time in over 6 months, right out of that hospital.  I climbed in my car next to my husband and he drove me home.  On the way we stopped and got an ice cream. I don't think anything has ever tasted so good.

The only reason I was able to have this surgery is because of the loving and gracious support of each of you.  All of you who donated to my fund to save my life, gave me a 2nd chance. I am eternally grateful for your love, and kindness.  Please know that it will never be forgotten. I thank God for each of you daily. I'm truly blessed to have the most amazing people in the world in my corner. Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank you for saving my life. Thank you for letting me live to see my 4th annual "Live Day".

Feb 21, 2014

Someone who "Get's It"

I went in for my monthly doctor's appointment today, and had an amazing conversation with my doctor (yes, I said monthly). When I go in it's normally a really quick visit, I get my prescriptions and I'm done. My doc and I have a great relationship, but I know he's busy and he can't sit and chat forever.  Today was very different.  Today I talked to someone who finally understands.

I've known for awhile that my doctor and his wife have had infertility issues.  I know that they've adopted all of their children, and I also know that it still breaks his wife's heart that she can't give him a biological child.  We don't really ever talk about it though.  That is until today.

As I sat across from my doctor and we talked about how my health was, he stopped and said, "I watched your Oprah episode, and I've never asked you what the cause of your infertility is.  Would you share that with me?"  I was kind of taken aback, but of course I had no problem talking to him and letting him know.  

As we talked about what the cause is of my infertility and why it is that I can't give my husband a child, the conversation started to get really real.  He said, "Jill, you're going to have those moments when someone comes up to you in church and says something like "So when are you and Dave having kids?" and you're going to want to punch them.  It's okay to feel this way."  When he said that tears started to fall from my eyes.  I couldn't believe that I was talking to someone else that truly "Get's It."

I asked him if he ever had those moments when everyone in your family seems to be having kids?  He told me that it infuriated him every time he heard that one of his brother's wives was expecting a child.  It was even worse when it was an "accident."  He and his wife try and try, and nothing happens, but you "accidentally" get pregnant?!  How fair is that?!

I told him how I've been really mad at God lately.  Now you have to understand that my Heavenly Father and I have an amazing relationship. I tell him exactly how I'm feeling all the time, and right now he's on my sh*t list.  (That was supposed to be funny so I hope y'all laugh).  He knows when I hurt, when I'm mad at him, and when I think it's completely unfair that I can't have my babies.

I told my doctor how badly it hurts when people say, "Oh well you'll be a mom one day" or "There's lots of ways to have a family." I know they mean well but I just want to scream at them.  I love, "You can have one of mine." Really?!  Can I?  The best is, "There's so many children out there that need good homes. You'll find one to love."  Like it's going to the grocery store and picking out a can of soup.

He understood how hard it is to go to Baby Showers and put on a happy face for everyone, when inside you're dying.  He understands why I just send gifts sometimes.  He understood why I break down and cry when I get another phone call that one of my sister's is pregnant.  He understood why it's hard for me to hold babies.  He understood why I cry.  He understood why every month I wait for my cycle, and I cry every time it doesn't show up.  Even though it's been 5 years, I keep waiting for my body to become normal again.  

He understood why I get up and leave church all the time, because people are talking about eternal families, and how God's plan is for women to come and have babies.  Well apparently God didn't have that plan for me.  But mostly he understood why I hurt.  Why I have pain.  He just plain and simple understood; where most people can't.

It's so rare to feel "Safe."  It's so rare to be able to be somewhere and not have to constantly be reminded that I'm not a mother.  It's normal for me to go to my parents house and only be able to stay for a few hours with my nieces and nephews because the pain becomes unbearable.  It's a daily thing that I drive in my car, and cry as I scream at God for not allowing me to be a mother.  I don't care if he has other plans for me.  I don't care if he knows the big picture.  I know what I want, and what I feel like I need, and I want it now.  But it's never going to happen.  I'm never going to get pregnant, or give birth to my own child.  The hard part is fully accepting that fact.

I know my Father in Heaven loves me.  I know I am his child.  I know he understands my hurt, and my pain, and I know he comforts me.  Even though it hurts, I can feel his comfort and love.  I'm special to him.  He knows me so well, and loves me.  He loves me even when I don't want to love him.  He loves me regardless of everything else in this world.  He just simply loves me for me.

I hope everyone in my life can understand why I am the way I am. I hope each of you can understand why I don't show up to baby showers at times, and why it takes me a week or 2 to call and congratulate you on being pregnant. I hope you can understand that I truly am happy for you, but I hurt anyway.  I don't expect people to coddle me or tippy toe around me.  I just want you to understand that my pain is real, and it has nothing to do with you.  Not only does it have nothing to do with you, but you can't fix it.  Nothing you say will make it better or make it okay.  It just is what it is, and that's okay too.

I know I would make a great mother one day.  Thank you for telling me that, but please don't anymore.  I know that "I can have a baby someday" but I want them now, so please don't try to comfort me.  I appreciate your love, concern, and compassion, but just let it be.  I am going to feel this pain, and even though it sucks, it's something I have to go through, so just let me feel it.  Just let me go through the motions, and in a few days I'll be okay again.  

Talking to my doctor was exactly what I needed, when I needed it.  God knew that.  I believe that God told him to ask that question, because we normally we don't ever chat like that.  It was the best 45 minute conversation that I've had in a long time.  I'm so thankful for the love God has for me, and that he allowed my doctor to comfort me today.  Even though I still feel pain, I can also feel of his love.  I also feel of each of your love.  I appreciate it.  I love you so much, and you're each a blessing in my life.  Thank you for loving me.

Jan 31, 2014

Gastric Bypass, Adoption, and Thank You!

I've received so many emails I can't even explain.  Your heartfelt letters, thoughts, compliments, heartaches, and joys, have touched me deeply. I'm so honored to have the pleasure of being a "part" of your life.  You truly enrich mine.  Through all of the emails there has been 1 overwhelming topic; the issue of me not being able to have children.  That is what I would like to address.

The clip you saw on Oprah made it sound like because of the gastric bypass surgery I am unable to bear children.  That is not correct.  I had extreme complications due to the gastric bypass surgery in 2005.  In 2009 I had to undergo 12 surgeries in 1 year.  I was unable to eat anything. I was on IV therapy to keep me alive.  It's because of these surgeries, and these complications that caused me to be unable to bear children.

I know this makes gastric bypass sound bad.  If you've watched my previous shows you know that I would have the surgery again in an instant.  Gastric Bypass is not a bad surgery.  I was unlucky; that's all it was.  People have complications with risky surgeries. That's the way life is.  It's not anyone's fault, it's just the luck of the draw.  Life happens, and you roll with the punches.  I'm just so grateful to be alive, because I was almost gone a few times.

I also want to discuss adoption because SOOO many of you have made the comment, "You can always adopt."  Trust me, I know this.  If any of you have adopted you know the process.  You know the emotional toll it takes on you, and you know how difficult it truly is.  It's not like going to the store and picking up some milk. Adopting isn't easy.  I know Dave and I can adopt, and it's an option for us.  Please don't think that I'm not trying or open to EVERYTHING possible to be able to be a mother.

I want to thank each of you for your love, and concern.  I'm truly blessed to have such beautiful, and amazing people in my life.  You've truly touched my heart more than I can ever express.  The sweet comments I have received have meant so much to me.  They have brought me happiness on some days that have been pretty hard.  You are such wonderful people, and I'm grateful to have you.

Gastric Bypass changed my life.  It wasn't the surgery that made me who I am today, it's because of how I changed after having the surgery.  The steps I took to become the woman I am today would not have happened if I didn't have Gastric Bypass.  I'm so thankful that I made the choice to have the surgery and change my life for the better.

Life isn't great because I'm thin. I've gone through hell and back to become thin.  Trust me, life isn't fabulous because you can fit in a size 4.  My life is great because I wake up everyday and choose to make it great.  I wake up with a smile, and decide that even though I'm in extreme pain all the time, I'm going to be happy.  Even though I have nausea daily, I'm going to smile and love the life I have.  Life is great because I make it that way.

Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart.  You are amazing people, and I'm grateful to know you.  Thank you for your love, support, encouragement, positive attitudes, and the emails that I have saved since I was first on the show in 2005. (Yes, I really have them all saved.)  On days that are hard, I read through them.  They bring me such comfort.  Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You all have truly blessed my life.