I've always thought of myself as a person that has a lot of Faith. I believe that when I pray, God listens. I believe he inspires me to do certain things, reach out to other people, and be a good person. I thought I believed that he could comfort my heart when it was hurting. I didn't realize until lately that I wasn't allowing him to do that. I was crying inside because of the desire I have to be a mother, but when he would whisper to my heart and mind that all would work out, I didn't listen. I ignored it, and kept the bitter feelings in my heart. That is until this past month when I finally allowed him to calm my aching heart.
Dave and I have been married for 5 1/2 years. In that time we have faced some amazing trials. Trials that those of you that read my blog know only too well. We've gone through things that I hope the majority of people in this life never have to experience. We've been penniless, unable to afford anything because we were paying off medical debt. We've been without work, and both of us have been laid off. School was taking longer than expected because we didn't have loans available, I almost died within the first 3 months of getting married, Dave had to take a leap of faith with me and move to Salt Lake without a job and a place to live hoping that the Lord would provide for us, and through all of this; he has. He has always provided for us, been with us every step, and made our marriage so strong that nothing could break it. The tough times that we've had, and still have make us better people. They make us a better couple.
Knowing all that we've been through, and realizing that the Lord has been with us from day 1, I couldn't figure out why I wouldn't let him heal my heart. The emptiness that I felt because I'm unable to bear children has ripped me in 2. It's crushed my soul, put me through huge bouts of depression, made me feel like I'm less of a woman, made me ask why in the hell he put me here, made me wonder if the dreams I've had of my baby girl were all just pretend. I mean did I just make up the same dream that Dave had?? I was questioning everything. The only thing I wasn't doing was asking God to send me peace. I was living my life being mad. I was pouting, throwing a fit, and angry because I didn't get my way. Then one day this summer I woke up.
You're probably asking yourself, "Is she pregnant?!" The answer is no. I'm not pregnant. That's the beauty though is that I don't need to be. My heart is at peace. I asked God to take this pain from me. I couldn't bear it any longer. I couldn't hold that hurt in my heart. I had to learn to trust him all over again like I did when I had a 10% chance of living. Like I did when I made the decision to marry Dave. When I decided that I needed to have him be a part of my life again. I had to learn to jump off the cliff without seeing what was below because he simply asked me to. I had to have Faith that everything I feel and desire is real, and in time it will all work out. In his time, not in mine.
As I've come to the realization that he is in control, I have finally allowed myself to have Faith once more. I forgave myself for hating God, and I asked for his forgiveness. I told him I accept his will, and whatever happens will happen. Until then I will love the life that I'm blessed to be living. I will cherish every morning that I wake up to see Dave sleeping next to me. I will love my family, enjoy times with my friends, and be thankful for the food and shelter I have. I'll continue to pray and not turn my back on God like I have for so long. I'm finally going to let him be in control, and do as he wants me to do. What he wants me to do is be Happy, and have Faith that he knows the big picture. He knows the ending, and I believe that my ending is going to be Fabulous!